


Five Superpowers Xander Is Not Sorry, Upon Reflection, That He Doesn't Have

by Shadowscast



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: 5 Things, Drabble Sequence, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-27
Updated: 2011-05-27
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:51:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowscast/pseuds/Shadowscast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a lazy afternoon, mid-season 7.  Xander's hanging out in the Summers' backyard, trying to decide what superpower he would want to have if he could have one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Superpowers Xander Is Not Sorry, Upon Reflection, That He Doesn't Have

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter is a drabble (exactly 100 words).

**1) Flight**

"Bugs in your teeth," Dawn said, wrinkling her nose.

"Bloody military would probably come and shoot you down," Spike said.

"At the very least you'd get hit with a fine for not filing a flight plan," Anya chimed in.

"And you'd look like a right pillock in a leotard," Spike added.

"And you _like_ driving," Anya reminded him. "The personal automobile is a very convenient mode of transportation. Long distance flights would be cold and uncomfortable and what if you ran into a flock of Canada geese?"

"You guys suck," Xander said, and yet he had to concede the point.

 

 **2) X-Ray Vision**

"Sure, there's the superficial appeal of looking under ladies' clothes," Anya said, "but if your calibration is off by a fraction of an inch, you'll be looking at their guts instead."

"Also that would be _wrong_ ," Dawn added with a glare.

"I'd worry about walking into walls," Spike said, flicking his lighter. "Seeing through them, not knowing they're there. I knew a demon had that problem once. Last time I saw the poor bugger, he was flattened against the outside of a Starbucks. Three feet to the left of the bloody door, mind you."

Xander crossed it off his list.

 

 **3) Strength**

"There's always someone _stronger_ , that's the problem," Spike said, waving his cigarette. "Got vampire strength? A Slayer comes and knocks you on your arse. Slayer strength? Next thing you know you're fighting a troll, or a god."

"And think of the doorknobs," Dawn said. "Do you have any idea how many doorknobs Buffy's busted?"

"You think it would make you safer," Anya mused, "but really, it would make you even more stupidly heroic. You'd go running into danger even more often than you already do."

"I could help my friends," Xander insisted.

Dawn shrugged. "You already help by fixing doorknobs."

 

 **4) Laser Beam Eyes**

"Do I even need to _start_ listing the problems with that one?" Dawn asked. "Books bursting into flames while you're reading them. Friends mysteriously avoiding eye contact. Cats and dogs running from you in fear. Brush fires. Scorch marks all over the walls."

"I'm assuming there'd be a way to turn them _off_ ," Xander pointed out with some asperity.

"What if the bad guys brought mirrors?" Anya asked. "One glance the wrong way and you'd fry yourself."

"Or the bloke standing next to you," Spike pointed out.

Xander smirked. "Was that supposed to be a disincentive?"

Dawn kicked his shin.

 

 **5) Ability To Turn Things Into Chocolate Ice Cream By Touching Them, But Only Voluntarily**

"Okay, you win," Dawn said. "I don't see a downside."

"Well, _what_ would you be turning into ice cream?" Anya asked. "And wouldn't it be unpleasant, afterwards, thinking about what it was you were really eating? I mean, for instance, suppose you transformed this flowerpot into ice cream. Could you really enjoy eating it, or would you be thinking the whole time about ceramic and dirt and geraniums?"

"Things could get sticky," Spike mused.

"Hey, there's chocolate ice cream in the freezer," Dawn said. "Anybody up for big gooey sundaes?"

Xander graciously accepted defeat. "Who needs superpowers when there's chocolate?"


End file.
